Hyper Understanding

I saw a post on Instagram today in which a man narrated a relationship scenario and in the end, quite respectfully, asked women to chime in so that he could get insights into the age old problem- understanding women. To be fair, he talked about a specific aspect, namely, relationships being broken because the woman 'outgrew' her man. But I think it's a smaller aspect of the larger issue- men stating that they don't understand women. 

To me, it is quite clear. There are obvious differences because of biological gender, physical abilities, societal roles, cultural expectations, family dynamics and professional environments. These shape the outlook and attitude of men and women significantly and the impact is felt differently by the different genders. But these issues are all out in the open, something everyone is aware of, understands to a degree and tries to change positively. 

But there is an undercurrent of tension, something simmering below the surface that rarely gets talked about or acknowledged. I am talking about the 'Anger of the Oppressed'. 

When colonial rule ended in various countries across the globe, the newly independent did not snap back into prosperity and development like a newly released rubberband. It took years for physical changes to manifest. It took longer for the emotional and ancestral pain to heal. I must correct that- it still has not healed.

Take a look at the comment section of any video or reel in which a foreigner comments on some aspect of a third world country. Mention the British crown jewels to an Indian. Talk about children working in mines to certain Africans. You will see what I call historical anger or rather, 'The Anger of the Oppressed'. This is the anger that simmers long after the fires of revolution have been extinguished and freedom attained. This anger has memory, it is defiant and it is vigilant- never again will my people be crushed.

I draw a deep parallel between the freedom attained though Independence Revolutions and the freedom attained through the Suffragette Movement. (I will use the latter term Movement to represent the systematic fight against patriarchy that was and continues to be waged across the world).

What men sense and are afraid of, rightfully so, is this anger. That the women before us had to fight at all, that they suffered for centuries, that we still see pockets of oppression in so many sections of populations based on culture or religion, that on a day to day basis, we still encounter men who want to put us in our place, that still, still, we fight tiny tiny battles that constantly drain our emotions and energy within our homes, everyday.

Not loading the dishwasher or doing the laundry seems so trivial to men. But for women, it triggers a spark of that simmering fire- Why do I have to ask you? Why don't you do it? Why is it my role? 

The origin of those questions come from one single question- Why am I your slave?

I will stop generalizing now and I shall speak my truths- 

I am hyper independent. It is a part of my defense system, the one that ensures I will not be oppressed again. I will not be my mother or my grandmother. 

I am hyper vigilant. I must ensure at all times that I am not being sidelined, persecuted, unfairly treated or mocked simply because of my gender.

I am hyper cautious. Somehow I am not comforted by the "not all men" line, since one is enough to maim or abuse me, and that one does not come with a forehead tattoo.

I am hyper aware. Man, I have let you into my life, yes. But even a smidgen of patriarchal superiority in any of your thoughts, words and actions would hurt, would make me question your character and the nature of the relationship. It is a rot that can only grow.

I am hyper woman. I carry with me the weight of the Movement, the bravery of the women who came before me, the determination to justify their sacrifices, and above all....

...to clearly say, "I will never be shackled again."

The ashes of any form of freedom struggle take time to settle. Decades, centuries. I hope this helps some men atleast understand some aspects of women. That understanding will bring tremendous emotional intelligence and growth, it will solve so many problems within relationships and it will bring about something women so desperately need and have never asked for - healing.