If there's one thing I've had a problem with of late, it's my temper. Actually, I don't have a problem so much as my family does. Apparently, anger is not an emotion that should be expressed, how much ever the situation warrants it. (I'm talking about words, not tantrums.) So today, I practised that.
My mom buys soap solutions. I don't know why she prefers it to soap powder, but she does. I think she started to last year. The solutions come in a few different colors in plastic bottles. Today, I wanted to wash a batch of my clothes, so I put it in the machine and picked up one of the bottles. It was identical to all the bottles around it. As soon as I unscrewed the top, fumes arose and hit my face. I instantly ran to the nearest tap and washed my eyes, nose and mouth. The bottle contained acid.
That bottle was identical to the ones around it, filled with soap solutions. It was also full. It could have easily splashed out if I had held it too tight when I opened it. In a second, I could have been blinded or disfigured. My life could have changed in an instant. Thankfully, oh so thankfully, that didn't happen.
I calmly told my mom to label stuff like that and keep them in a different location. That was the extent of my reaction. I could have said so many things, asked so many questions. But I didn't.
That's because of something the happened a few days ago. It was something that made me look at my family closely and see exactly what our relationships are based on. I made paneer fried rice, which is a favorite of mine. (Paneer is a firm goat's cheese). My mom always complains that I put too much paneer bits in, whereas I consider that impossible. So when I serve her, I make sure that there aren't too many bits on her plate. A few minutes afterwards, when I looked at her plate, I saw that she was eating the rice, but there were no paneer bits in it at all. I said, "Mom, why didn't you just ask me for paneer when you ran out?" She said," I didn't know how to ask, what you'd say."
I quietly refilled her plate, but later on I burst into tears. I asked her how she could villainize me that way. I take care of her in so many different ways throughout the day, only half of which she knows. I'm tired from all the work that I do, so I do bite when I see things constantly being messed up and being done in ways that means I have to rework them. But that's the extent of it. There is nothing in my behavior that justifies someone being scared to ask for food. For food! Can you imagine? It shocked me to my core.
My family has always been like this. They don't know how to handle emotion, especially when it comes from someone else. They don't know how to take constructive criticism. They process it in the most negative way possible.
I think I have two messages to impart from my experiences with them.
1. Don't villiainize people. Sadness and anger are valid emotions. People may not always express them in the best way, but that does not define who they are. Be fair in a relationship. If you want to play the victim, you have to make others the bad guy. It so unfair to them. My late father got caught in this vicious dynamic and he lived his life being misunderstood and overly frowned upon within his own home.
2. Be efficient and considerate. You may label yourself as a considerate person, but you're not if you don't live with deliberate conscious awareness. There's nothing to be proud of in being disorganized or inefficient or unaware of what needs to be done and just saying,"that's who I am." It just means that someone else is being inconvenienced or picking up the slack. In some cases, like today with the acid, it could actually be dangerous.
We love people. That comes naturally, especially when you're related to them. But love and like don't always go together. You can love someone, but dislike them intensely as well. And being around them makes you dislike yourself as well, because of the many ways you react to them. It's a terrible, terrible feeling.
I don't usually just outright preach, but I'm making an exception today. Treat each other kindly. Think about what that means. It has a lot to do with who you are, not what you say.
