"I didn't ask you to."
"But you didn't say no, did you?"
"So?"
"So something was offered to you, given to you, and you received it. It was a gift that you accepted. So what if you didn't ask for it. Do you ask for presents on your birthday? Or your housekeeper or employees to go the extra mile to complete a job? Or your mom for the extra food that she packs for you?...Do you know why people do all that? Because they care, they love or they have a strong sense of duty and responsibility that won't allow them to do otherwise, or just because they want to do their best to be who they are. And do you know what they get in return? Ungrateful, narcissistic bastards like you standing in front of them saying things like "I didn't ask you to," because you know there's no logical response to that. Congratulations on winning the argument. Hope it was worth breaking another human being's heart."
"You're just exaggerating everything. Don't be so sensitive."
"Shame is such a powerful thing isn't it? It can stop a conversation instantly. What you said now, about me being sensitive, that's a blatant attempt at shaming another person for what they feel. Don't be so sensitive. Don't be stupid. Don't be so serious. Don't exaggerate....Do you know what message you send when you say things like that?
"What?"
"That you don't care to listen to their concerns or care enough to find a solution to whatever it is that's bringing up the issue. You just want to shut them up and go back to things as they were. That will never happen. You can't shame people into being satisfied. You can't shame people into feeling that everything is alright."
"Fine. Tell me what's bothering you then."
"No."
"No?"
"No. Think about what I said. Come back later when you genuinely feel concerned and want to know how we can work through this. Right now, you're just saying what you think I want you to say."
"Women!"
"It's true. Men and women are wired differently. It seems so unreasonable to you that you're saying the right thing and I'm still not accepting it, right?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, here's the one thing that you need to understand about anyone who is emotionally mature. It's not about the words or actions. It's about the intentions behind them. We can smell bullshit a mile away. And we respect ourselves too much to accept bullshit, however nicely you offer it. When you said, 'Fine, tell me what's bothering you then,' you had no zero interest in what was bothering me."
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't. That's why I called it bullshit. If you had taken a moment to think, you would have realized the truth behind what I said, you would have instantly and subconsciously restructured your mind - you could call it an epiphany, if you want. But the result would have been that you would have asked me what was wrong in a very different way. And you would never ever try to shame anyone again. But now, nothing has actually changed for you. I can very well see you saying the same thing tomorrow or next week or next month- Don't be so sensitive or serious or whatever."
"So you want me to change?"
"Yes. Shocking, isn't it? People treat that like it's such a crime these days. 'Oh my god, they're trying to CHANGE me! How dare they!' To me, actually, the reverse is shocking. That people don't want to change."
"You shouldn't change someone you love, you should accept them for who they are."
"It is the law of nature that everything that wants to survive has to move. A stagnant pool will stink and eventually evaporate. But a river that rushes forward replenishes itself. It is a fundamental truth isn't it- change is growth. And it is absolutely necessary if want to be in any kind of relationship with a person. It is absolutely necessary to evolving, to being a better version of yourself with every passing moment."
"But you should accept me as I am."
"No, I don't. I think what you're trying to invoke is unconditional love. Sadly, people all over the world are using it to justify all sorts of emotional abuse. No, change is growth. There is no refuting it. And if that's not something you want, if that seems wrong to you, then it's one of the first things you should tell a person you're getting to know. That you have no desire to change who you are. It will save everyone a lot of time."
"So I have to agree to everything you say, just to please you?"
"You don't HAVE to do anything. Get that into your head. The question is whether you want to, and what the motivation behind it is. I do things for you often, that I wouldn't if I was alone."
"Who asked you to?"
"No one. I wanted to. But that's a great question. Who asked you to. That's enough to shut anyone up, isn't it? You know, long ago, I read a quote that stuck with me. 'The power in a relationship belongs to the one who cares less.' I was so amazed by that statement. It's true. The one who cares less. They can get away with anything, because there is always the threat of leaving hanging over the head of the other person, isn't there? It's a sanction that allows you to be as thorough an asshole as you could possibly want to be. You just have to stop short of the breaking point and you can get away with it, every time."
"You're not making any sense."
"That's because this is more about emotion than logic. Why do people like you stay in relationships? Be it a friendship or a romance. How much do you value it? Value the other person? Not a lot. Not enough to do things that are outside what is comfortable."
"Why should anyone? I just want to be myself. Not act for the sake of being a good friend or partner. That's fake."
"Valid point. Saying or doing something that you don't want to is fake. But why don't you want to lift up another? What is so lacking in you that you find no joy in that?"
"You sound so arrogant."
"Tell me something- if a physically weak person stands next to a strong person, who would you say needs to work out?"
"The weak one, of course."
"But when it comes to intellectual or emotional strength, why do people persecute the stronger one? You call me arrogant because I exercise my brain? Because I allow myself to feel and communicate my needs? Why don't you arm yourself with knowledge and understanding instead?"
"So I'm not your equal?"
"No. And one of the most important things I have learned in life is this- never go down to another person's level just to keep things smooth. It's better to leave. Goodbye."
