Thursday, February 15, 2018

Connected

It's funny that after such a long gap, I felt the need to write about being connected. I've been blissfully disconnected, warped in a world of simple joys: work, dogs, plants, art, cooking and TV. Or perhaps it's best to use the words 'otherwise connected'. 

There's a lot of talk in the current global culture about the fact that we're all connected. I don't doubt it for a second. But I do wish it was more tangible. Let me explain...
(Before I do, a Note: I tired quickly of searching for and using synonyms to refer to ancestors, so henceforth, I will use 'ggp' which stands for 'great^x grand-person' ;))

I asked my mom recently about who she misses the most from her past and she named two incredibly supportive teachers from her childhood. As she talked about them, I wished I could have met them. Then, it struck me - I could pass by one of the grand children of these teachers on the street and I wouldn't know. This amazing connection between two people simply passing by, unacknowledged and unknown. That's almost tragic. I've taken to thinking in this vein a lot of late. The people I walk past or ride with on the bus or train; they could be related to me, or we could be connected by a friendship or even a shared incident between our ggps. There are so many possibilities!




I wish we all had our own personal screen that pops up in our field of vision. Just like in the movies. As each person walks past, a descriptive line or two about what you share with them. You wouldn't have to stop and acknowledge each person or gush over your connection or share a forced conversation just because you think you ought to. But to simply know would be nice. To feel for real what being connected means. To be a witness to one's own history. To share more than genetic material with your ancestors. Wouldn't that be cool? To know that this guy walking past you is the great grandson of a man who once heroically saved the life of your great grandma? Or the woman selling bananas belongs to a family who used to own a large area of land, on which stands a tree one of your ggps planted? Or oooh, way back in the Stone Age, our ggps worked on a flint knife together? I think we'd all smile at each other in absolute delight.  

Of course, there'd be bad stuff too. Like seeing the progeny of someone who enslaved or abused one of your ggps. It would be a bit of a shock, I imagine, on either side. Maybe incite feelings of shame or anger? But in time, wouldn't we learn to be more accepting and forgiving of even these links? I don't know. It would be an interesting social experiment, for sure. 

Being prone to thinking things through thoroughly, I tried to imagine how this could come about. The vastness of the intelligence required to keep track of and constantly disseminate that kind of information to billions of people- if such a machine existed, wouldn't it be the equivalent of 'God'? Which leads me to contemplate- if God does exist, can you imagine such a creature? Billions of billions of billions of gigabytes of memory, processing speeds faster than the speed of light, inter-dimensional existence, an intelligence far beyond our imaginations....it boggles the mind. I'd like to be connected to that. Plug me in. 



Sunday, October 8, 2017

Bam!

This is a guy for whom the term 'ball crusher' was probably invented. He makes me cringe a lot but when he's on point, he's on point. A brief debate on theism in which he nails it.


Sunday, August 27, 2017

After months of hard work, and a few glorious rainy days, the terrace garden has finally achieved the beauty I've long dreamed of. It also yields a lot of greens that are used on a daily basis. Happy me :)


























Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Honk honk!

The Earth travels on its orbit around the sun at a speed of 30 kilometers per second.

The Sun's orbital speed is 200 kilometers per second.

The Solar System itself is moving about the center of the galaxy at 230 kilometers per second.

Our galaxy, along with others, is moving towards a region of space called the Great Attractor at 1000 kilometers per second.

Kilometers per SECOND

And those are the speeds at which we are hurtling along in space.

Suddenly, I don't feel so smug no more.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Mess-merized.

I found myself mesmerized this week. It's a word I rarely use. Yet now, I have three instances that caused this adjective to come true,

First. Hayabusa-


This is a guided spacecraft released by the Japanese Space Agency JAXA. It's mission? To travel to asteroid Ryugu, collect samples and return to Earth. It's a six year journey. Launched in 2014, Hayabusa-2 is slated to return in the end of 2020.

Now for the interesting part! The geniuses in JAXA have created a website that shows the location of Hayabusa in space! I tell you, it's hypnotic. The numbers of the bottom of the screen show how far it is from Earth, how close to Ryugu and how long it's been since the launch. These are constantly changing numbers and as I stare at them against the backdrop of a twinkling map of space, I find myself hypnotized. I can imagine this craft hurtling through the blackness of space. Of space!!!  The numbers themselves are mind boggling (9 digits!) and make it all too real just how unbelievably vast these distances are. Growing up with a scaled down map of the solar system in text books and Picard shooting everywhere in seconds at warp speed, this is an eyeopener. I stare at the dot that is Hayabusa and I can almost imagine being there, on that lonely journey surrounded by a near perfect blackness.

Second. This Little Girl.


I can't help it. It's like some mental illness, watching this child. I can't stop if I start. Late last night, eyes burning, I watched Youtube videos of her for at least an hour. She goes from dish to dish, chomping away without a break, without judgement - all foods being equal to her. I don't know if I envy her or not. As a foodie, I want to eat like her, but as I watch, spellbound, I can't help wondering if she actually tastes it all. It's still fascinating. I feel like she's doing the right thing with her life. I want to too.

Xiaoman is her name and Paris Mina is the Youtube Channel posting her videos.

Third. This conversation.

Me: "So what kind of books do you like to read?"
Guy: "Fiction. And non-fiction."

Coming at the back of a long line of teeth-rattling conversations, this one answer (that I henceforth dub 'The Last Straw') did for me what I imagine a million tons of rocket fuel can not - it stripped my mind blank and launched me into a space so black, I think I'm catching up with Hayabusa.

My re-entry will be mesmerizing.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Bleaky.

Writing has become catharsis for me. It's the only explanation for the bleakness of my recent posts. Or I'm slowly losing my mind. Very likely. Still bleak.

I got seriously pissed off today. I saw a scene on tv and it triggered a memory. It was in school back in Kuwait. I had a group of friends. We were diverse people but we got along well. Except for this one girl who I really disliked. I never said anything because she was part of the group and that's that. But by god, I disliked her. I used to watch her in wonder because she seemed like the most fake person in the world to me. Even when she laughed, I'd notice her watching people. Her beady eyes always gave her away, to me at least.

Once, my friend S and I were studying together in an unused classroom. That's when DQ (for drama queen, not very original, but oh so apt) flounced into the room, plopped in an empty seat across from us and started parroting everything I said. Why do people think that's funny? Let me rephrase- what kind of people think that's actually funny? Anyway, she kept at it long past when she should have stopped. We had a big test coming up and after what seemed like hours to me, I raised my voice and said, "Stop it!" That's it. DQ stood up and flung herself out of the room. Within minutes, someone came and told us that she was crying in the room next door.

What amazed me was that slowly, one by one, my friends left me to console her. As if she were a victim of some great attack. That female milked it. She was apparently inconsolable when I finally (tired of waiting) went to see what was happening. She was still sobbing, with a large cooing crowd around her.

The thing is, people do this. And other people inexplicably fall for it. That instance and a few others over the years has shown me that people are strangely susceptible to tears. It's like, you can be a complete bitch but if you turn on the waterworks, people will support you. I've seen people who are hysterically emotional and delusional make use of this factoid to come out on top of a situation. On the other hand, if you want to become an instant villain, have an argument with a person like that. Within minutes, people will be like, 'Gasp! You made her cry?! You devil spawn!' And if she happens to be pretty, forget about it. You might as well tie yourself to a stake and set yourself on fire.

The sheep mentality, the illogical placement of sympathy, the complete lack of fairness and justice, the shallowness... I could rant about this for pages. It's blatant manipulation, and when learnt at an early age, creates monsters who look like people.

Recently, a 'friend' on Facebook started a conversation with me. She disagreed with one of my posts. I think I got one sentence in right at the beginning trying to clarify what I meant. After that she carried the entire conversation herself, typing at a furious pace, jumping from one opinion to another without letting me respond to anything, until in the end, she finished with a 'I could be wrong. Bye.' I unfriended her. I'm sure that if this conversation had been happening in public, she would have finished in tears, as if I'd just slapped her for having a dissenting viewpoint. She's that type. As much as I am sympathetic to whatever hardships she's going through, I don't want people like that in my life- it's just downright disrespectful.

What eats me is- why can't I cry on command? Let me tell you- it would have gotten me out of a few sticky situations. I just looked it up and there are numerous youtube videos that promise to get you teary in tens seconds- an acting technique, I suppose. I'm not going to watch any, but it amuses me to imagine myself using it. But not successfully. You see, the manipulator (is that a word?) has a plan B. If you end up crying before she does, she'll become the all-knowing condescender (definitely not a word). "Hey, don't be so emotional." "You're really over-sensitive." "Just relax! You have to learn to take life easily." "You shouldn't take everything so seriously." and the real insult-  "Just look at me." Then comes the injury- she'll go around telling people about how you lost it. I've seen it happen to decent people. They usually lose the will to live and become zombies.

I'm not a zombie. I know how to handle these types- I fully embrace my role as witch and enjoy it. As long as she's crying, why not give her a real reason to do so? It's a wonderful way to release pent up feelings and practise those dusty curse words you've kept on the shelf too long. I may be bleak, but hey, you can't say I'm repressed. Wink wink.

Oh, and DQ? I understand her life is a drama filled mess. I won't pretend- I think she got what she deserved, in general. But a more enlightened way of putting it would be what I said in my previous post- More than anything, who you are determines how you live. So if your life is bleak, you need to take a good long look at yourself. Which is what I should be doing right now, instead of ranting. Off I go.


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Or.

When I was a kid, my parents used to let me sleep in their bed for a few years until I was old enough to have my own room. I remember that I was asked, quite often, 'Do you like amma or daddy?' It was a silly question, one which I always answered with 'Both.' Even as a kid, I knew it was one of those ridiculous questions adults asked kids, like 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' But little did I know that it would be the theme which shaped my entire life.

My mother raised the three of us physically, but I like to think that we raised her emotionally and mentally. By protesting and simply talking things out with her, we taught her how to parent, how to live. Over the years, she went from being a doormat, a.k.a, an ideal Indian housewife to being a gradually freer spirit. She never taught herself enough to truly liberate her thinking, but what change came about was enough- my father and my mother fell out of sync.

He was a traditionalist, a man who proudly proclaimed that he would never change. He expected that his wife would remain the girl he married. Home became a place that went from being largely silent to a place where the silence was heavy with disappointment, anger and resentment.  My mother could not strike back at him with the hurtful, sharp tongue that he possessed, but she nagged and glared at him. Her most powerful weapon, as it turned out, was me.

My siblings, much elder, left home to pursue their studies. From the age of six, I was an only child. I don't remember much- just being afraid and painfully shy all the time. But around my twelfth year, my mother started whispering in my ear. The things my father said, and did, and oh, how unfair, unfair, but never ask him, never. That was when the rage started. Anger, always smothered because she was afraid he'd know she told me, built in me and became my defense mechanism. Reacting with anger and hiding it was the only thing I knew.

Over the years, as he tried harder to clamp down on her, she retaliated by telling me more. I was a miserable person because I loved my father but hated him, and I loved my mother but felt burdened. There was hardly any laughter in my life except when I was at school. In my twenties, I tried very hard to be more than what I was, and I knew that being my mother's champion was a terrible unfair role that I'd been pushed into. But she couldn't stop. And I couldn't abandon her. Even when I almost begged her to, she kept roping me in. I pushed her to fend for herself, but she was too used to cringing in the shadows. By that time, I was fighting with my father outright. He knew what was going on and he told my mother to leave me out. She pretended she had nothing to do with my attitude.

My father died when I was thirty three. The last few months of his life, we were barely talking. I hadn't called him 'daddy' in months. He died from liver cancer (the Hep-C virus), but I also know that he died because he had given up. He was living in a home that was a war zone and he felt that change was impossible- within him and without.

I won't be narcissistic and take all the blame for his death. It was largely him and his unwillingness to live and let live. But I knew better. There was a line and I was on the other side. I sat in his chair on the terrace on the eve of his death and sobbed 'daddy, daddy' over and over again because I hadn't said it enough. My heart broke again and again in the following months; I knew he hadn't confided in me about how sick he was because we were almost estranged. I relived every moment of the nightmare that was the last 15 days of his life.

There are no clear victims in life- was it my father , a rigid man with an abused childhood and unrelatable family, or my mother, a weak woman with a dominating husband and desire to be more than a role, or me, a child who was constantly put between two people she loved and asked to choose? 'Do you like amma or daddy?'

What have I learnt?

I think the most important thing I've learnt is that 'More than anything, who you are determines how you live'. It may sound simple, but it's a truth that is lived, yet not often realized.

Also. I've learnt to always fight my own battles. I've learnt to embrace peace far more than anger. I've learnt patience in thought, word and action. I've learnt that sometimes people shouldn't be helped because they don't really want help, or cannot be helped. I've learnt that children should never be deprived of their childhood. I've learnt that it takes years, decades to reprogram your life and some of the steps are very difficult. I've learnt that you cannot truly love someone unless you accept who they are. I've learnt that it's both easy and not to give up. I've learnt how to connect to a person instantly, and let go just as quickly. I've learnt that it's okay to make your own rules. I learnt that my choices impact my life in far-reaching, unimaginable ways. And I've learnt that the right answer to the question, do you like amma or daddy?' is 'Just leave me be so I can like myself.'