Through the years, I have NEVER kept my big mouth shut. I have actively pointed out what was wrong and encouraged friends to step away. Time and again, I've been cold shouldered because these girls chose the guy, chose the misery. I understand, in a way. It's easier to lose a friend than it is to cut out your heart.
With my closest friend now, I stopped at one point. I am wiser now, after all. I just looked at her as she spoke of all her woes and realized that she would not leave this guy. So I clammed up after that because I didn't want this friendship to fall away as well. But to my amazement, I actually did affect change. And I wasn't even trying!
During her last visit, I was reminiscing about my past. I was telling her about a guy who told me his ex, when she left, said, "You'll regret not marrying me. You'll see. You'll never find anyone like me." I was telling her that ironically, those words were etched into my mind and it was what strengthened my resolve to stay away from him after I left that relationship. I was determined that I would never be as great a fool.
But it is an injustice to call it foolishness. We are indoctrinated from birth with fairy tales and romantic stories, with dreams of soulmates and 'the one', with true love and that 'one love'. Girls, especially, take this to heart completely.
I told my friend how sad it is that I always hear my friends say things like, 'No one can love him like me.' or 'No one can take care of me like him.' I once heard someone on TV respond to that with, "Have you met everyone in the world, to be able to say that?" Brilliant response! We all desperately want to think we are special, that he is special, or what we have is special and unique. And we could not be more wrong. My friend was listening quietly, and I didn't even think much about it as I told her- For example, this guy you find so difficult to leave, he's going to marry someone his witch mom wants him to if you left... and do you think that girl is not going to be a good wife to him? Of course she will do her best. And he will live a good life with her. He's not going to roll over and die. She will cook and he will eat. She will bear children, and he will be their father." As I said this, she was deathly silent. And after she went home, she sent a voice message thanking me for everything I said and that she took away several life lessons from our conversation. I was flabbergasted. After all the advice I had deliberately given her, a conversation about myself and my own learnings from relationships is what finally opened her eyes to herself. That she not only left the guy, but decided to enter into an arranged marriage is something that, surprisingly, doesn't bother me at all. Her mistakes are her own.
I don't want to give the impression that I am cynical. When I say we are wrong in thinking an individual is special, or the relationship is unique, I mean it in this context- no relationship is the ONLY ONE that works or will ever work. But there are people who just 'fit' so well, who work so well together and consciously love each other, (love as a verb), that their relationship is special and unique and heart-warming. The problem is that everyone thinks that they are in one of those, even those who aren't. That's what makes leaving so difficult, when it is the best thing one can do.
If my ex hadn't told me what his ex told him, I wonder how long I would have been a naive romantic. How much more difficult it would have been for me to move on. My friend thanked me again and I decided to write all this down because this is such an important life lesson that changed a core part of me, one that needed to change. I am still amazed that my friend learnt it from me, of all people! It is important to share, to tell our stories to the ones we care about. It is important to say what we think and feel, even if it is social media, even if it might seem like over-sharing. That is the life lesson I took from all this.
