Thursday, January 12, 2017

Not now.

I think the reason that I haven't written these last few months can be pinned down to something quite common- my past catching up with me. I topped my class in the first year B.Ed exams, both siblings visited, the most adorable puppy has taken over my home, I get to decorate a whole new house in our village, a new year has dawned with new possibilities and plans, and yet, in spite of all these beautiful things, all these nice moments 'in the now', I still look inside and see a darkness.

Every few nights, I dream of my father returning home. Sometimes he's middle aged, sometimes older. But always alive. And the more he shows up in my dreams, the more my waking moments are haunted by his presence, and his absence. How does one get over death? I don't know. People say that you don't really. You just learn to hide it better. I understand that.

What I have also come to understand is just how very fragile we all are. How much we all experience in life, how these experiences make us harder and softer at the same time. We learn to hide it or power through it, ignore it or bury it, break down, re-form or stay broken... sometimes we don't even know. I don't.

I don't know where I am. And that's why I haven't written. When you're lost, how do you find your words?

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