Pack Attack

Odisha's gang rape case. Four of the ten males were minors. Below 18 years old. School age.

I love dogs. But I am always extra cautious when I move among a pack or spot a pack in the distance. Even if there is a dog that I know to be friendly in the pack. Because I have observed 'Pack Mentality' often enough to know how dangerous it is. A dog on its own that is friendly and loving can turn in an instant when it is part of an attacking pack.

Nowhere else do I so strongly realize how much humans are animals as when I come across gang rape stories. A few years ago, I read about a couple of girls who went camping. Encountered a group of guys also camping. Everything was fun and friendly. Then the mood turned. Two of the guys initiated the attack. Everyone else joined. In the aftermath, the friends and family of a couple of the attackers were in disbelief, because they were known to be decent, great guys. But they 'went along'.

Remember Nirbaya? The boy who couldn't rape her didn't want to be left out, so he used a steel rod.

If you haven't watched the movie Gargi, atleast read up on its plot. Insightful.

Always avoid packs, women. How many ever legs they have.

Hyper Understanding

I saw a post on Instagram today in which a man narrated a relationship scenario and in the end, quite respectfully, asked women to chime in so that he could get insights into the age old problem- understanding women. To be fair, he talked about a specific aspect, namely, relationships being broken because the woman 'outgrew' her man. But I think it's a smaller aspect of the larger issue- men stating that they don't understand women. 

To me, it is quite clear. There are obvious differences because of biological gender, physical abilities, societal roles, cultural expectations, family dynamics and professional environments. These shape the outlook and attitude of men and women significantly and the impact is felt differently by the different genders. But these issues are all out in the open, something everyone is aware of, understands to a degree and tries to change positively. 

But there is an undercurrent of tension, something simmering below the surface that rarely gets talked about or acknowledged. I am talking about the 'Anger of the Oppressed'. 

When colonial rule ended in various countries across the globe, the newly independent did not snap back into prosperity and development like a newly released rubberband. It took years for physical changes to manifest. It took longer for the emotional and ancestral pain to heal. I must correct that- it still has not healed.

Take a look at the comment section of any video or reel in which a foreigner comments on some aspect of a third world country. Mention the British crown jewels to an Indian. Talk about children working in mines to certain Africans. You will see what I call historical anger or rather, 'The Anger of the Oppressed'. This is the anger that simmers long after the fires of revolution have been extinguished and freedom attained. This anger has memory, it is defiant and it is vigilant- never again will my people be crushed.

I draw a deep parallel between the freedom attained though Independence Revolutions and the freedom attained through the Suffragette Movement. (I will use the latter term Movement to represent the systematic fight against patriarchy that was and continues to be waged across the world).

What men sense and are afraid of, rightfully so, is this anger. That the women before us had to fight at all, that they suffered for centuries, that we still see pockets of oppression in so many sections of populations based on culture or religion, that on a day to day basis, we still encounter men who want to put us in our place, that still, still, we fight tiny tiny battles that constantly drain our emotions and energy within our homes, everyday.

Not loading the dishwasher or doing the laundry seems so trivial to men. But for women, it triggers a spark of that simmering fire- Why do I have to ask you? Why don't you do it? Why is it my role? 

The origin of those questions come from one single question- Why am I your slave?

I will stop generalizing now and I shall speak my truths- 

I am hyper independent. It is a part of my defense system, the one that ensures I will not be oppressed again. I will not be my mother or my grandmother. 

I am hyper vigilant. I must ensure at all times that I am not being sidelined, persecuted, unfairly treated or mocked simply because of my gender.

I am hyper cautious. Somehow I am not comforted by the "not all men" line, since one is enough to maim or abuse me, and that one does not come with a forehead tattoo.

I am hyper aware. Man, I have let you into my life, yes. But even a smidgen of patriarchal superiority in any of your thoughts, words and actions would hurt, would make me question your character and the nature of the relationship. It is a rot that can only grow.

I am hyper woman. I carry with me the weight of the Movement, the bravery of the women who came before me, the determination to justify their sacrifices, and above all....

...to clearly say, "I will never be shackled again."

The ashes of any form of freedom struggle take time to settle. Decades, centuries. I hope this helps some men atleast understand some aspects of women. That understanding will bring tremendous emotional intelligence and growth, it will solve so many problems within relationships and it will bring about something women so desperately need and have never asked for - healing. 

 I just read the story of Nida Merchant, a solo Indian traveler who had a harrowing experience at a Cambodia port where she was eventually denied entry. She was lucky to escape unmolested.

As a single Indian woman who has lived in Thailand, I'd like to chime in.

Travel, in general is a very subjective experience. If you're a white man, it's a mostly phenomenal  experience. I see so many videos of white men having the time of their lives, especially in Asian countries. This is because they are generally treated like Gods. The hospitality is enough to bring tears to your eyes. "What a warm, wonderful people!" the guy gushes, vowing to return as soon as he can. I can go to that very same house and chances are the people there call me a whore and tell me to get out. 

Lol. 

Racism is rampant in a lot of these countries, and I include India in that list. Thailand as well. I have felt unsafe many times. I have been discriminated against many times. Only by living in a protective bubble, was I able to navigate my life in Bangkok for two years. You won't hear too much about it from most Indians settled there. They have families, they stick to their Indian communities, and they have established a few contacts that gets them what they need. For a single, brown woman who doesn't speak the language, the story is very different. As a tourist, you can go on for months without any problems because your contact with the people is minimal. But if you're there for work, with the necessity to interact with them, there are mindful precautions you must take. 

Of late, I have come to the opinion that Indians are better off in India. Sure, it may be dirty or unsafe, but it is familiar, and you are armed with the knowledge of how to survive. For better or worse, you at least have the security of belonging. No one can tell you to go back to where you came from. You can stand on the street and shout for help, and people will understand and come to your aid. You don't have to desperately call your embassy and pray they answer. 

Travel, explore, do what you will, but if you're any shade other than white, know this- the world can seriously be unfair to the un-fair. So be prepared. 

The Busy Lying Bee

The Busy Lying Bee

When people say they're 'busy', let's face it, it rarely is true. Unless you've gotten into a situation where you have to switch off or surrender your phone, being busy is just an excuse. Especially when people can see you being present on social media. It's hard to believe someone can't take the 10 seconds it takes to type out "Hey, hope you're doing good. Let's catch up later on."

Sure, just saying one is busy is an easy, diplomatic response. But when you have a close relationship with someone and you have an established pattern of communication, suddenly changing it and crying 'busy' is a slap to the face. It's an insult to the other person's intelligence. Here are some phrases I like to use, because they are true and I believe that level of honesty is more respectful to the other person:

I was feeling low/ I was low on energy.

I haven't been feeling sociable/ I was taking some 'me' time.

I wanted some mental quiet, so I tuned out for awhile.

I was going through a tough time and I just withdrew/couldn't bring myself to reach out.

I've been sorting through my priorities, so I took a break from communicating.

I've been juggling quite a few things, so I haven't been connecting with people.

My focus/attention has been on my family/work/health/x, so I took some time away from my regular routine.

I'm not great at networking. I make an effort, but sometimes I just slip back into old habits.

Keeping in touch is something that I struggle with from time to time.

From what I have experienced, there are a few reasons why people would rather tell me they're busy- I hold a position of very low value/worth to them, they were never really in the relationship to begin with, they think it's 'useful' to keep certain contacts around, a certain level of pettiness/ ego that keeps them from initiating communication.

After I've made the effort, and identified the pretense, I get busy - Snip, snip, bye bye!

Bubbles everywhere

Facebook tells me that I wrote this in 2013:  

Life seems full of these terrible twin questions...

Do I do what makes me happy or find joy in what I do?

Do I seek people who enrich my life or find worth in those who are in it?

Follow my heart or follow my mind?

Gulab Jamuns or Rasagullas?

Damn it all.....

I am surprised that ten years later, not much has changed in finding answers. Except the last one- definitely Gulab Jamuns anyday. The second question really hits hard. I don't know if it's just the people around me or have people generally become shittier human beings?

Pretty much everyone in my life- family and friends have next to no social media presence and/or passion. I don't know what they do. But what really baffles me is their reaction or lack thereof to all that I do. As I churn out pics and videos, I am amazed at the lack of appreciation, support, enthusiasm or passion for anything concerning what I do, from people who claim to love and value me. I feel like shouting. "Are you all dead inside? What's wrong with you?!"

More and more, people are becoming encased into tiny self-sufficient bubbles that contain their immediate families and their phones. There is a narrow conduit connecting them to the entire world that does have a million branches, yes, but the branches are flimsy ephemeral filaments that are not nurtured. Snap, and you're gone.

Recently, a young girl approached me asking me for advice on an essay she had to submit entitled 'Has the Internet brought the world closer?' The answer seems obvious but I'm not so sure. Everyone has access to everyone else, but is it more voyeurism than connection?

I don't write this from a place of sadness, more of surprise. I will always cheer on everyone in my life, and everything they do- with pom poms if I feel it necessary. But I've always been a loner. One of those people who built walls as a defense mechanism very early on in life that have enabled me to step away and step around people with relative ease. I am not saying it's right, of course, but seeing what people are like these days, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. Gulab Jamuns give me all the warmth I want ;)

Wrote this a long time ago :D

 "I didn't ask you to."

"But you didn't say no, did you?"

"So?"

"So something was offered to you, given to you, and you received it. It was a gift that you accepted. So what if you didn't ask for it. Do you ask for presents on your birthday? Or your housekeeper or employees to go the extra mile to complete a job? Or your mom for the extra food that she packs for you?...Do you know why people do all that? Because they care, they love or they have a strong sense of duty and responsibility that won't allow them to do otherwise, or just because they want to do their best to be who they are. And do you know what they get in return? Ungrateful, narcissistic bastards like you standing  in front of them saying things like "I didn't ask you to," because you know there's no logical response to that. Congratulations on winning the argument. Hope it was worth breaking another human being's heart."

"You're just exaggerating everything. Don't be so sensitive."

"Shame is such a powerful thing isn't it? It can stop a conversation instantly. What you said now, about me being sensitive, that's a blatant attempt at shaming another person for what they feel. Don't be so sensitive. Don't be stupid. Don't be so serious. Don't exaggerate....Do you know what message you send when you say things like that?

"What?"

"That you don't care to listen to their concerns or care enough to find a solution to whatever it is that's bringing up the issue.  You just want to shut them up and go back to things as they were. That will never happen. You can't shame people into being satisfied. You can't shame people into feeling that everything is alright."

"Fine. Tell me what's bothering you then."

"No."

"No?"

"No. Think about what I said. Come back later when you genuinely feel concerned and want to know how we can work through this. Right now, you're just saying what you think I want you to say."

"Women!"

"It's true. Men and women are wired differently. It seems so unreasonable to you that you're saying the right thing and I'm still not accepting it, right?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, here's the one thing that you need to understand about anyone who is emotionally mature. It's not about the words or actions. It's about the intentions behind them. We can smell bullshit a mile away. And we respect ourselves too much to accept bullshit, however nicely you offer it. When you said, 'Fine, tell me what's bothering you then,' you had no zero interest in what was bothering me."

"Yes, I did."

"No, you didn't. That's why I called it bullshit. If you had taken a moment to think, you would have realized the truth behind what I said, you would have instantly and subconsciously restructured your mind - you could call it an epiphany, if you want. But the result would have been that you would have asked me what was wrong in a very different way. And you would never ever try to shame anyone again. But now, nothing has actually changed for you. I can very well see you saying the same thing tomorrow or next week or next month- Don't be so sensitive or serious or whatever."

"So you want me to change?"

"Yes. Shocking, isn't it? People treat that like it's such a crime these days. 'Oh my god, they're trying to CHANGE me! How dare they!' To me, actually, the reverse is shocking. That people don't want to change."

"You shouldn't change someone you love, you should accept them for who they are."

"It is the law of nature that everything that wants to survive has to move. A stagnant pool will stink and eventually evaporate. But a river that rushes forward replenishes itself. It is a fundamental truth isn't it- change is growth. And it is absolutely necessary if want to be in any kind of relationship with a person. It is absolutely necessary to evolving, to being a better version of yourself with every passing moment."

"But you should accept me as I am."

"No, I don't. I think what you're trying to invoke is unconditional love. Sadly, people all over the world are using it to justify all sorts of emotional abuse. No, change is growth. There is no refuting it. And if that's not something you want, if that seems wrong to you, then it's one of the first things you should tell a person you're getting to know. That you have no desire to change who you are. It will save everyone a lot of time."

"So I have to agree to everything you say, just to please you?"

"You don't HAVE to do anything. Get that into your head. The question is whether you want to, and what the motivation behind it is. I do things for you often, that I wouldn't if I was alone."

"Who asked you to?"

"No one. I wanted to. But that's a great question. Who asked you to. That's enough to shut anyone up, isn't it? You know, long ago, I read a quote that stuck with me. 'The power in a relationship belongs to the one who cares less.' I was so amazed by that statement. It's true. The one who cares less. They can get away with anything, because there is always the threat of leaving hanging over the head of the other person, isn't there? It's a sanction that allows you to be as thorough an asshole as you could possibly want to be. You just have to stop short of the breaking point and you can get away with it, every time."

"You're not making any sense."

"That's because this is more about emotion than logic. Why do people like you stay in relationships? Be it a friendship or a romance. How much do you value it? Value the other person? Not a lot. Not enough to do things that are outside what is comfortable." 

"Why should anyone? I just want to be myself. Not act for the sake of being a good friend or partner. That's fake."

"Valid point. Saying or doing something that you don't want to is fake. But why don't you want to lift up another? What is so lacking in you that you find no joy in that?"

"You sound so arrogant."

"Tell me something- if a physically weak person stands next to a strong person, who would you say needs to work out?"

"The weak one, of course."

"But when it comes to intellectual or emotional strength, why do people persecute the stronger one? You call me arrogant because I exercise my brain? Because I allow myself to feel and communicate my needs? Why don't you arm yourself with knowledge and understanding instead?"

"So I'm not your equal?"

"No. And one of the most important things I have learned in life is this- never go down to another person's level just to keep things smooth. It's better to leave. Goodbye."

One Lesson

A lot of women keep themselves in shitty relationships. I'm not talking about abuse here, just the normal run-of-the-mill ones in which a woman loses a lot and gains very very little. 

Through the years, I have NEVER kept my big mouth shut. I have actively pointed out what was wrong and encouraged friends to step away. Time and again, I've been cold shouldered because these girls chose the guy, chose the misery. I understand, in a way. It's easier to lose a friend than it is to cut out your heart. 

With my closest friend now, I stopped at one point. I am wiser now, after all. I just looked at her as she spoke of all her woes and realized that she would not leave this guy. So I clammed up after that because I didn't want this friendship to fall away as well. But to my amazement, I actually did affect change. And I wasn't even trying!

During her last visit, I was reminiscing about my past. I was telling her about a guy who told me his ex, when she left, said, "You'll regret not marrying me. You'll see. You'll never find anyone like me." I was telling her that ironically, those words were etched into my mind and it was what strengthened my resolve to stay away from him after I left that relationship. I was determined that I would never be as great a fool.

But it is an injustice to call it foolishness. We are indoctrinated from birth with fairy tales and romantic stories, with dreams of soulmates and 'the one', with true love and that 'one love'. Girls, especially, take this to heart completely. 

I told my friend how sad it is that I always hear my friends say things like, 'No one can love him like me.' or 'No one can take care of me like him.' I once heard someone on TV respond to that with, "Have you met everyone in the world, to be able to say that?" Brilliant response! We all desperately want to think we are special, that he is special, or what we  have is special and unique. And we could not be more wrong. My friend was listening quietly, and I didn't even think much about it as I told her- For example, this guy you find so difficult to leave, he's going to marry someone his witch mom wants him to if you left... and do you think that girl is not going to be a good wife to him? Of course she will do her best. And he will live a good life with her. He's not going to roll over and die. She will cook and he will eat. She will bear children, and he will be their father." As I said this, she was deathly silent. And after she went home, she sent a voice message thanking me for everything I said and that she took away several life lessons from our conversation. I was flabbergasted. After all the advice I had deliberately given her, a conversation about myself and my own learnings from relationships is what finally opened her eyes to herself. That she not only left the guy, but decided to enter into an arranged marriage is something that, surprisingly, doesn't bother me at all. Her mistakes are her own. 

I don't want to give the impression that I am cynical. When I say we are wrong in thinking an individual is special, or the relationship is unique, I mean it in this context- no relationship is the ONLY ONE that works or will ever work. But there are people who just 'fit' so well, who work so well together and consciously love each other, (love as a verb), that their relationship is special and unique and heart-warming. The problem is that everyone thinks that they are in one of those, even those who aren't. That's what makes leaving so difficult, when it is the best thing one can do.

If my ex hadn't told me what his ex told him, I wonder how long I would have been a naive romantic. How much more difficult it would have been for me to move on. My friend thanked me again and I decided to write all this down because this is such an important life lesson that changed a core part of me, one that needed to change. I am still amazed that my friend learnt it from me, of all people! It is important to share, to tell our stories to the ones we care about. It is important to say what we think and feel, even if it is social media, even if it might seem like over-sharing. That is the life lesson I took from all this.