I am agnostic, leaning towards atheism. However, I do believe that science meets spirituality in that all the Universe is vibrating energy that responds to consciousness. I stay silent, though, when people talk about their beliefs. My thoughts churn and roil, refuting, rebutting, resisting, but I stay silent for two reasons; one, I respect each person's right to what they believe, and two, I am always ready to acknowledge that I may be wrong. 

These last few weeks, I have been struggling to be silent. I came across the page of a family whose child is battling deadly cancer on Insta. I liked a reel, and the algorithm decided I needed more. Since then, I have come across many such pages. Babies, toddlers, little kids who are fighting for their lives. Many of them lost and the pages have become memory capsules. Most of these pages are run by the mothers, who all seem to have this immense faith in God.

I swear, I start channeling Christopher Hitchens when I read the content. I do not get it. All the mothers of the kids who have passed on claim that their beautiful angel was so loved by God that he took them early and now embraces them in his heaven. It was his plan and they have faith in his plans. All the kids who are fighting like crazy are apparently waiting for the same God to perform a miracle and heal them, say their mothers. They believe in his mercy. He will bless them. 

All this is about a God who gave these babies cancer in the first place, is watching them suffer through horrid chemo and raditaion, puking and shivering from experimental drugs, tubes coming in and going out of their tiny, frail bodies, and wasting away in so much pain that they are on morphine drips. It seems to be a coin toss, whether he will "embrace" them or "heal" them. Heads, the kid survives, tails, let's go. 

I cannot understand this faith. It is so contradictory. It seems to me a kind of willful ignorance to believe in this being who gave your child a fatal disease. Grasping at straws to explain what this mighty benevolent being is doing. Explaining his actions and intentions. And he remains silent and mysterious and invisible forever. 

More, it makes me angry. When the family of the child who 'miraculously' survives says it is because of his goodness to them. "Here is the proof of his greatness! Look at my child!" What about the hundreds of kids who suffered and died? Were they unworthy? Was the six month old baby unworthy of his mercy, of a chance at life? So you're happy that God singled you out? But why did he? What kind of God does that?

Can you imagine any parent behaving that way? Yet the Ultimate parent has his reasons, so we must believe in him and have faith in him. Ludicrous! 

I see faith as an extension of hope, and I would never deny hope to anyone who is struggling to survive. But when hope become intentional blindness and faith is placed in that which is unworthy, I wonder. I do not use the word 'unworthy' lightly. But I do not hesitate to use it. It's a two way street, big guy. You want to judge and choose? So do I. So do I. 

P.S. I wish with all my heart that Brielle makes it. An amazing, beautiful little 9 year old with neuroblastoma, currently on hospice care. Her insta page is briestrongerthancancer.