Bubbles everywhere

Facebook tells me that I wrote this in 2013:  

Life seems full of these terrible twin questions...

Do I do what makes me happy or find joy in what I do?

Do I seek people who enrich my life or find worth in those who are in it?

Follow my heart or follow my mind?

Gulab Jamuns or Rasagullas?

Damn it all.....

I am surprised that ten years later, not much has changed in finding answers. Except the last one- definitely Gulab Jamuns anyday. The second question really hits hard. I don't know if it's just the people around me or have people generally become shittier human beings?

Pretty much everyone in my life- family and friends have next to no social media presence and/or passion. I don't know what they do. But what really baffles me is their reaction or lack thereof to all that I do. As I churn out pics and videos, I am amazed at the lack of appreciation, support, enthusiasm or passion for anything concerning what I do, from people who claim to love and value me. I feel like shouting. "Are you all dead inside? What's wrong with you?!"

More and more, people are becoming encased into tiny self-sufficient bubbles that contain their immediate families and their phones. There is a narrow conduit connecting them to the entire world that does have a million branches, yes, but the branches are flimsy ephemeral filaments that are not nurtured. Snap, and you're gone.

Recently, a young girl approached me asking me for advice on an essay she had to submit entitled 'Has the Internet brought the world closer?' The answer seems obvious but I'm not so sure. Everyone has access to everyone else, but is it more voyeurism than connection?

I don't write this from a place of sadness, more of surprise. I will always cheer on everyone in my life, and everything they do- with pom poms if I feel it necessary. But I've always been a loner. One of those people who built walls as a defense mechanism very early on in life that have enabled me to step away and step around people with relative ease. I am not saying it's right, of course, but seeing what people are like these days, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. Gulab Jamuns give me all the warmth I want ;)

Wrote this a long time ago :D

 "I didn't ask you to."

"But you didn't say no, did you?"

"So?"

"So something was offered to you, given to you, and you received it. It was a gift that you accepted. So what if you didn't ask for it. Do you ask for presents on your birthday? Or your housekeeper or employees to go the extra mile to complete a job? Or your mom for the extra food that she packs for you?...Do you know why people do all that? Because they care, they love or they have a strong sense of duty and responsibility that won't allow them to do otherwise, or just because they want to do their best to be who they are. And do you know what they get in return? Ungrateful, narcissistic bastards like you standing  in front of them saying things like "I didn't ask you to," because you know there's no logical response to that. Congratulations on winning the argument. Hope it was worth breaking another human being's heart."

"You're just exaggerating everything. Don't be so sensitive."

"Shame is such a powerful thing isn't it? It can stop a conversation instantly. What you said now, about me being sensitive, that's a blatant attempt at shaming another person for what they feel. Don't be so sensitive. Don't be stupid. Don't be so serious. Don't exaggerate....Do you know what message you send when you say things like that?

"What?"

"That you don't care to listen to their concerns or care enough to find a solution to whatever it is that's bringing up the issue.  You just want to shut them up and go back to things as they were. That will never happen. You can't shame people into being satisfied. You can't shame people into feeling that everything is alright."

"Fine. Tell me what's bothering you then."

"No."

"No?"

"No. Think about what I said. Come back later when you genuinely feel concerned and want to know how we can work through this. Right now, you're just saying what you think I want you to say."

"Women!"

"It's true. Men and women are wired differently. It seems so unreasonable to you that you're saying the right thing and I'm still not accepting it, right?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, here's the one thing that you need to understand about anyone who is emotionally mature. It's not about the words or actions. It's about the intentions behind them. We can smell bullshit a mile away. And we respect ourselves too much to accept bullshit, however nicely you offer it. When you said, 'Fine, tell me what's bothering you then,' you had no zero interest in what was bothering me."

"Yes, I did."

"No, you didn't. That's why I called it bullshit. If you had taken a moment to think, you would have realized the truth behind what I said, you would have instantly and subconsciously restructured your mind - you could call it an epiphany, if you want. But the result would have been that you would have asked me what was wrong in a very different way. And you would never ever try to shame anyone again. But now, nothing has actually changed for you. I can very well see you saying the same thing tomorrow or next week or next month- Don't be so sensitive or serious or whatever."

"So you want me to change?"

"Yes. Shocking, isn't it? People treat that like it's such a crime these days. 'Oh my god, they're trying to CHANGE me! How dare they!' To me, actually, the reverse is shocking. That people don't want to change."

"You shouldn't change someone you love, you should accept them for who they are."

"It is the law of nature that everything that wants to survive has to move. A stagnant pool will stink and eventually evaporate. But a river that rushes forward replenishes itself. It is a fundamental truth isn't it- change is growth. And it is absolutely necessary if want to be in any kind of relationship with a person. It is absolutely necessary to evolving, to being a better version of yourself with every passing moment."

"But you should accept me as I am."

"No, I don't. I think what you're trying to invoke is unconditional love. Sadly, people all over the world are using it to justify all sorts of emotional abuse. No, change is growth. There is no refuting it. And if that's not something you want, if that seems wrong to you, then it's one of the first things you should tell a person you're getting to know. That you have no desire to change who you are. It will save everyone a lot of time."

"So I have to agree to everything you say, just to please you?"

"You don't HAVE to do anything. Get that into your head. The question is whether you want to, and what the motivation behind it is. I do things for you often, that I wouldn't if I was alone."

"Who asked you to?"

"No one. I wanted to. But that's a great question. Who asked you to. That's enough to shut anyone up, isn't it? You know, long ago, I read a quote that stuck with me. 'The power in a relationship belongs to the one who cares less.' I was so amazed by that statement. It's true. The one who cares less. They can get away with anything, because there is always the threat of leaving hanging over the head of the other person, isn't there? It's a sanction that allows you to be as thorough an asshole as you could possibly want to be. You just have to stop short of the breaking point and you can get away with it, every time."

"You're not making any sense."

"That's because this is more about emotion than logic. Why do people like you stay in relationships? Be it a friendship or a romance. How much do you value it? Value the other person? Not a lot. Not enough to do things that are outside what is comfortable." 

"Why should anyone? I just want to be myself. Not act for the sake of being a good friend or partner. That's fake."

"Valid point. Saying or doing something that you don't want to is fake. But why don't you want to lift up another? What is so lacking in you that you find no joy in that?"

"You sound so arrogant."

"Tell me something- if a physically weak person stands next to a strong person, who would you say needs to work out?"

"The weak one, of course."

"But when it comes to intellectual or emotional strength, why do people persecute the stronger one? You call me arrogant because I exercise my brain? Because I allow myself to feel and communicate my needs? Why don't you arm yourself with knowledge and understanding instead?"

"So I'm not your equal?"

"No. And one of the most important things I have learned in life is this- never go down to another person's level just to keep things smooth. It's better to leave. Goodbye."

One Lesson

A lot of women keep themselves in shitty relationships. I'm not talking about abuse here, just the normal run-of-the-mill ones in which a woman loses a lot and gains very very little. 

Through the years, I have NEVER kept my big mouth shut. I have actively pointed out what was wrong and encouraged friends to step away. Time and again, I've been cold shouldered because these girls chose the guy, chose the misery. I understand, in a way. It's easier to lose a friend than it is to cut out your heart. 

With my closest friend now, I stopped at one point. I am wiser now, after all. I just looked at her as she spoke of all her woes and realized that she would not leave this guy. So I clammed up after that because I didn't want this friendship to fall away as well. But to my amazement, I actually did affect change. And I wasn't even trying!

During her last visit, I was reminiscing about my past. I was telling her about a guy who told me his ex, when she left, said, "You'll regret not marrying me. You'll see. You'll never find anyone like me." I was telling her that ironically, those words were etched into my mind and it was what strengthened my resolve to stay away from him after I left that relationship. I was determined that I would never be as great a fool.

But it is an injustice to call it foolishness. We are indoctrinated from birth with fairy tales and romantic stories, with dreams of soulmates and 'the one', with true love and that 'one love'. Girls, especially, take this to heart completely. 

I told my friend how sad it is that I always hear my friends say things like, 'No one can love him like me.' or 'No one can take care of me like him.' I once heard someone on TV respond to that with, "Have you met everyone in the world, to be able to say that?" Brilliant response! We all desperately want to think we are special, that he is special, or what we  have is special and unique. And we could not be more wrong. My friend was listening quietly, and I didn't even think much about it as I told her- For example, this guy you find so difficult to leave, he's going to marry someone his witch mom wants him to if you left... and do you think that girl is not going to be a good wife to him? Of course she will do her best. And he will live a good life with her. He's not going to roll over and die. She will cook and he will eat. She will bear children, and he will be their father." As I said this, she was deathly silent. And after she went home, she sent a voice message thanking me for everything I said and that she took away several life lessons from our conversation. I was flabbergasted. After all the advice I had deliberately given her, a conversation about myself and my own learnings from relationships is what finally opened her eyes to herself. That she not only left the guy, but decided to enter into an arranged marriage is something that, surprisingly, doesn't bother me at all. Her mistakes are her own. 

I don't want to give the impression that I am cynical. When I say we are wrong in thinking an individual is special, or the relationship is unique, I mean it in this context- no relationship is the ONLY ONE that works or will ever work. But there are people who just 'fit' so well, who work so well together and consciously love each other, (love as a verb), that their relationship is special and unique and heart-warming. The problem is that everyone thinks that they are in one of those, even those who aren't. That's what makes leaving so difficult, when it is the best thing one can do.

If my ex hadn't told me what his ex told him, I wonder how long I would have been a naive romantic. How much more difficult it would have been for me to move on. My friend thanked me again and I decided to write all this down because this is such an important life lesson that changed a core part of me, one that needed to change. I am still amazed that my friend learnt it from me, of all people! It is important to share, to tell our stories to the ones we care about. It is important to say what we think and feel, even if it is social media, even if it might seem like over-sharing. That is the life lesson I took from all this. 

Floored!

I decided to try some floor exercises recently. You know what I'm talking about. You go to the store, buy a new yoga mat, shoes, socks, head band, wrist band, ugly track pants and then come home feeling like you lost 10 kilos just because your debit card is lighter. Worse, you look like you escaped from some 70's disco zoo for humans.

So I did that. And as usual, I was humbled beyond all belief. The conclusion I have come to is that I may possibly have no core. If I do, then as the flat bellied exercise gurus insist, I do not want to engage it. You hear me, I DO NOT want to engage my core. I want to divorce it. What is the procedure for that please?

How do they do it so elegantly in the videos, man? Each time my leg starts towards the floor from above, it falls with a thud. Like its dead. Like its not connected to my brain in any way. I feel like a beast, I tell you, a beast. Maybe its an Indian thing. Take yesterday, for example. As I fell this way and that, the spicy Ruchi mixed vegetable pickle in my stomach decided to reverse direction and come up the tube. So to complete the beast image, I was breathing fire. To add the nail to the coffin, let me assure you- the only exercise I could do with ease and grace was the donkey kick. I realize now that I should not be proud of myself for that, not even a little bit. 

I don't like the instructors, I must add.  Even though I don't know them, as human beings, I don't like them. They smile. They SMILE. How? I know they don't have scalp sweat that runs into their eyes and burns them. Still, its just obscene. Rude. Keep your core and your smile. Instead, tell me how to get a refund on all the crap I bought. Then I'll smile. 

So anyway, the final conclusion I have come to is that there are people like me in the world, who should only be vertical. Walk, run, zumba, whatever, but keep that stomach and those thighs below sea level. Do not go horizontal. You'll just see things you don't want to see, and feel them too. Don't forget the pickle. Let that be your guide. Listen to your body. Let the pickle travel down, and be at peace.

Inner Pieces

People say that the path to salvation lies in your spiritual evolution. On the way, you attain such things as inner peace. I don't know about that.

The whole thing is pretty nerve-wracking, if you ask me. Once you assimilate the fact that the Universe is governed by this wacky law and that your thoughts and beliefs create your reality, there's no going back from that quicksand. Let me explain.

You know how sometimes people get asked what their favorite time of the day is, and they say that its when they wake up in the morning? I find that impressive. When I wake up, even before my consciousness fully kicks in, I involuntarily think, "Oh shit, not again." Then, as the booting up process completes, I realize that I just put a really negative thought out there and desperately try to undo it.  

"No, No, Universe, I didn't mean that. I meant, wow, another day of possibilities, I'm so grateful, yes, I am, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

It's a desperate and pathetic attempt. Most of the time, I'm sure the Universe only registered the first output and I'm going to fall dead. The Universe would go (in Morgan Freeman's voice) "So Ye Asked, So Ye Shall Receive!" and make a horrid pinching movement and down here, I'd croak. 

This is my morning ritual, and please note, I haven't even opened my eyes yet. Inner peace, my ass.

How can something that sucks the joy out of life, give me eternal joy? That's what I want to know. So the guy who cuts me off in traffic- I can't imagine his death in gruesome detail? It's not like I'm going to kidnap and kill him. Can't I just imagine it? NOOOOOOOOOO, says spirituality. You must bless him. I mean, come on!

When I was a little girl, times were simpler. We knew about this thing called Karma. Back then, it was pretty practical. An eye for an eye. Don't do bad stuff or bad stuff would happen to you. There was no talk about thoughts and feelings and beliefs. We were all free to nourish the utmost evil in the cesspools of our minds. Don't you yearn for simpler times like that? You released everything and lived carefree. 

Now, masters like Buddha have set us these bad examples we feel obliged to follow. Books have been published. You can't walk 10 feet without stumbling on someone who talks about inner engineering. It's all light, love, rainbows and unicorns. Makes me sick, sometimes. Rainbow colors. Black is also a respectable color, you know. I want to wear black, learn ten different types of martial arts and take down 20 people at the same time? Answer me honestly, wouldn't that be far more satisfying than 20 hours of meditation?

Meditation! Don't get me started on that! Lord in heaven. if there was ever a way to make you want to embrace the dark side, it's meditation. How many hours can you sit like that and not achieve a psychotic break?! Don't you have thighs that protest? Knees that creak? Brains that check out? I don't know.

All in all, what has spirituality done for me? I think I have become paranoid and life, more stressful. And inner peace? Please. Inner pieces is more like it. 

Bless you all!

From the ashes...

I've written before about Godmen. Except for a rare few genuine spiritual masters, there are many such who have read the literature, nailed the look and the accent, and have gone on to achieve success and fame. 

Nithyananda, perhaps, is the most notorious one in recent times. There is even a documentary now entitled 'My daughter joined a cult' in which they seem to systematically take down the image he has cultivated. 

Long before this, but after his infamous sex tape with Ranjitha, I learnt of his personal paradise Kailasa where he had hidden himself away. I was amused to learn he had his own channel live streaming day and night from this Kailasa.  

So, snacks in hand, I opened the website, sat back and smirked, ready to pooh and paah at this charlatan. That's when the Universe decided to teach me a lesson. I watched him do his daily discourse, which I think was called a satsang. That day's topic was about love. This Mister-I-smile-too-much opened his mouth and put forward the most wonderful and accurate and exact definition of love I have ever heard. He said, "Love is the highest vision you can have for someone. It has nothing to do with your feelings, or theirs, or desires or sacrifices or anything. It is simply the highest existence you can envision for them."

That's not verbatim, FYI. But I admit I was floored. I just sat there gaping and listened to the whole satsang. For many days after that, I tuned in, but I never heard anything that profound again. It was good spiritual literature, for the most part, but nothing remarkable. Of course, there was a lot of pompous posturing and self-gratifying statements. I never visited his virtual Kailasa after that.

The point of this, the lesson I learnt, may seem fairly simple. Don't be so smugly superior and so quick to dismiss and deride another person. I am not defending Nithyananda, of course. He has been accused of many vile things, which I think may be true. But like the proverbial rose blooming in the desert, I learnt that there is gold hidden in dirt, that there are diamonds to be found in ashes, that words precious and true may fall even from the lips of those who are called monsters. 

If nothing else, I learnt to better understand this thing that we call love. How unlikely a source, yet how beautiful this lesson!

Complete Frasier Transcripts!!!

 http://www.kacl780.net/frasier/transcripts/?fbclid=IwAR0B-DXqqPKNvFDYvXR1QNz0sS2-FXDi2NPy285qsonO0IkB8I2ljaxbqaw